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Quit Actin Like You Don't Know The Words to My Song [entries|friends|calendar]
...My Immortal Soul or This Eternal Flame...

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Still stuff you can't do solo [30 Mar 2006|01:44pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

So heres a little update because well, I can :o

Work, I'm working an assload. Sometimes every day. Its good though, I have money and I'm covering all my bills. (Which reminds me, gotta pay my credit card bill >.<) Plus I just hang out, read and watch movies I bring with me.

Another thing that rocks, Kung Fu with David Carridine Season 1. I bought it a day or two after the one year anniversary of Dad's passing. I still have fond memories of sitting down with him and watching the show as it aired in reruns. Now I can watch it again and feel that warm comfortable feeling and share my entusiasm at the philosophy and my own stories with others. Yeah, the show is super cheesy but fuckin c'mon, it still rocks. Plus the Taoist/Buddhist Philosophy sprinkled into the Spaghetti whestern setting is just awesome.

Wander, I went up and saw Alexis the other day, its such a great thing to be with her. Whenever I'm near her I get overwhelmed with such happiness that its hard to remember any pain at all. She makes me laugh like I've never known sorrow, and float as if I was born with wings. I hope that it works out and I can be blessed with her with me forever.

Rest when I can I got Metroid for the DS and it kicks so much ass. It was definately worth the almost a year wait. I'm also writing, this time a story for Alexis's birthday, its almost become an obsession I can't get it out of my mind. Maybe its because of who its for that it fills my mind, like she fills my mind. We'll see how well it goes, hopefully it'll live up to my standards and impress her. Hopefully it'll be as good as her writing.

Life is good, regardless.

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I'm a fool, a blind fool. [20 Mar 2006|07:06pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I'm also a complete idiot.

Why can't I just trust? Yes I've been hurt and betrayed in the past but not by her. Why can't I wipe clean my past regrets and misdeeds and begin with a clean slate? Why do I need to be so posessive and protective?

I may be hurting the sweetest person I've ever met because of what has been done to me in the past.

I am so very sorry

10 comments|post comment

Weee [13 Mar 2006|11:16am]
[ mood | happy ]

Yesterday was a good day. I got to spend a few long hours with Alexis and just hanging out with her really brightens my week up so much. Its also "super super fun" xD

Plus, whenever shes over I tend to have some REALLY good sandwiches for the next few days.

Tracy also called me this morning though I was in the shower >.<.... I hope shes having fun and enjoying the beautiful land of Ireland.



Things are workin out.

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Can't sleep on Valentines [14 Feb 2006|08:06am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

The one day I just want to sleep through and not think about I can't sleep. So... I'm up super early.

Yes I'm just bitter, yes I understand it'll probably piss off the happy people.

No, I don't want you to fucking tell me about it.

Theres nothing worse than a romantic alone on Valentines day.

So instead I talk to these people that I had hoped to spend it with. I see what they're doing and wish them happiness and enjoyment when all I really wanted was to share some time with them and show them that I cared. I still care...


I just wanted to sleep through the day and ignore the fact that I'm alone.

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[20 Jan 2006|02:41pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I don't know what to think or say anymore. I feel alone and confused. Every girl in my life just hurts and confuses me more. I just want to live my life, be happy, and share it with someone I connect with but everytime I think I find that person and let them in it just adds another layer of emotional scar tissue.


I don't know what to think anymore.

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I don't know whats going on... [24 Dec 2005|08:26am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Its 8:30 in the morning. I finally fell asleep at 3am... again. I don't know what it is, maybe its the nearing of the holiday and my Father isn't going to be here with me. Maybe its the fact that I'm so fucking confused with whats going on I can't pull my head out of my ass.

All I want for christmas is some answers, some clarity, and maybe a couple shots of understanding mixed with hope.

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Farewell my hell [02 Dec 2005|02:38am]
[ mood | refreshed ]

So long farewell. Recent months I've been very unhappy and I have expected others to do it for me. From this point forward I shall live by the philosophy of meh.

Matt you have AIDS.
Meh...

Matt I'm Pregnant
meh!

Matt we botched your sex change
meh?

When I am happy I can make the people I care about happy. I really want to make the people I care about happy. I'm tired of being upset, grouchy, and most of all needy.

I'm on a mission from GOD!

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The solstice [01 Dec 2005|08:25pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Some things went down the other day and I really didn't know what to say. So I went to Pt. Loma and saw dad's grave. He always knew what to do in shitty situations to make it work out 100%. So I picked up some coffee from the cafe on the corner early this morning and went for the usual "Where the fuck is he" stroll. Finally found his plaque and asked him to come sit with me while I watch the harbor and try and figure things out. As I sat there it brought back a previous conversation I had with him while he was living. It was right after a fairly nasty situation and he said that I needed to remember how to love myself before I can ever hope to do anything. I've been having some serious anti-Matt issues lately. So I tried to figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do now and I had another flashback to when a similar situation occurred and I didn't heed his advice. He said that I'm a man after his own personality: Passionate sometimes to a fault, that if I don't keep myself in check I'd get far ahead of myself and lose sight of the real.

I realized then what I was doing and have come to terms with my faults and only hope I can fix things before it becomes unrepairable.

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You know, i spend more time commenting then updating [26 Nov 2005|10:23pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Yeah, more commenting then updating. So heres the run down since Oct 7th.

Don't remember much of the month of October except for my long (maybe a little too long)12 day trip to San Antonio to spend time with my wonderful girlfriend Tracy. Had a great time there for the most part, I say for the most part because it was a little too long and I'm sure both of us needed more personal space rather than 24/7 hardcore TOGEATHER time. Next time, shorter trip when school isn't in session. I realized that that damn city seems perfect. Its smaller than san diego yes, which translates to less jobs within the government, but the climate agrees with me. Not to mention the beauty of it. Flying in was like flying into a forrest. In comparison with flying into san diego and having to go over the north end of downtown and seeing nothing but beat up "cheap" apartments and the freeways I was awe struck. Driving around the city there is at least one layer of trees on the roadside. We drove through a park and it was so damn forresty. I really dug it. UTSA seemed decent, I guess I've spent too much time at SDSU because it was way to familiar. It looked like just another college with parking problems. I'm ready to move.

The problem is, Micha, James, and Tony. They don't want to move mid-simester, which is understandable, but I want to move around march-april. They want me to wait/pay till May which meand 6 months of rent which is about $2500. I need to find a higher paying job but I love the one I have. I need to find a cheap apartment out there but actually looking at it is next to impossible. I guess its time to roll the dice. Phase One: Get a serving/pedestrian job, find a crappy apartment and use it as a landing base. Phase Two Find a great looking apartment and apply for professions. Phase Three: Tracy comes home from Cork and victory is attained. Phase Four: Establish the first worldwide Empire and install myself as its Divine Immortal Emperor.


Ready BREAK!

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Does the gay handshake move pepsi machines? [07 Oct 2005|06:11pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I'm sitting here at my computer feeling bored and lonely. Not sure what the fuck to do since Tony hid his Nip Tuck season 2 DVD and I'm not disrespectufl enough to splunk his room for it. That place is scary.

So instead, I'll update whats been up since I last updated with and update... or something like that.

After the accident I transfered to the Skate Park. Rad place, love working there, my schedule is consistant which I like. Less culture clashes with the kids too and I don't have to hear "nigga" and "cuz" all damn day long.

Going to see Tracy in two weeks. I'm excited and a little nervous. I'm not 100% sure why I'm nervous but I think it boils down to emotions. I care about her alot and I don't want to dissappoint her. I'm excited to go to museams, the alamo, the Hindu temple and dinner. I'm glad we get along well, and I guess I'll see how I do compared to the last visit. Plus I'm past due for a check up on San Antonio, need to see how I like the city and the weather, since I'll be moving there for Grad school.

Talked to the VA this morning and apparently it takes 4 weeks to decide on something that has allready taken 6 months to debate on. Just cut me a bloody check and let me go on with my life. You're all fucking fired.

Also, got a call from Mom and she said that State Farm settled with me on my totaled car, $2900. Not bad considering it was a gift. It'll probably take 4 weeks to cut this damn check too. Assholes!

If you couldn't tell, I'm also frustrated with the rest of the world...

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Gayness but I'm bored so whatever [23 Sep 2005|11:22am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

StereotypesCollapse )

Skater Punk, Hippie, Emo, Goth

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Things transpire while I perspire [28 Aug 2005|10:06pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Haha witty title eh, yeah shut up.

Tracy said it was hot in Texas, well, its still blazing hot here in San Diego too.

Got hit and run on Thursday 8/24. It wasn't just an accident, it was a damn ordeal. Wanna hear it? No? Tough...

I closed the rec on Thursday, so I was there 5-9pm. About 7 Javi asks why my car looks tilted and we go look. Turns out the girl who wanted an ice pack at about 6 because she "was hot" thought it was a good idea to not only cuss me out but to let the air out of my passenger side tires. She got the front one all the way down to the rim and the back was only slightly flat. The tire had sat on the rim so long that it punctured and I needed to put the spare on. Well the AAA guy needed to put the spare on. What else are they for right?

Earnie and I closed the rec at about 8:10 and I went on my way home. About 6 blocks from the rec I start to hear the flat tire "thump thump thump" and pull over on the 15 North On-ramp to call AAA again to tow my stuff to the house so I can deal with it in the morning. This was about 8:15. I sat on hold and waited.

All of a sudden the inside of the car gets really bright. I check my rear-view to see a pair of headlights about 5 feet from my car and commin like a bat out of hell. Smash, shit goes flying. My cell drops into the seat next to me and my AAA card goes out the window, I think. In the meantime this fucktard is backing up. I hop out to give him a piece of my mind and he speeds off with his car looking like a tea kettle sitting on the stove for too damn long. I hope he cracked his radiator the bastard.

I catch his license plate number and start repeating it so I don't forget, find my cell and hang up with AAA. I was still on hold too. Call 911 and yell at the dispatcher to write this down THEN go with what the hell happened.

About 45 minutes pass before the CHP officer shows up, and I had called AAA back and had just hung up when the guy rolled up. I give a statement and he starts questioning me like I pulled the plate number out of my ass. So what if the car looked white, looked like an old 80's Honda, and looked like it was about five minutes from overheating when the plate matching it was a small Ford Coupe. I was only shaky on the last digit of the damn plate ok people...

The CHP unit rolls off and AAA sends the wrong kind of tow. My muffler and Bumper where dragging like woah. So he calls his buddy and sends for a bed rather than a lift. Takes another half hour for the guy to get there.

In the meantime Tracy calls me, like an angel of salvation, her voice washes away all the frustration and stress (even if it was only for that 5 minute conversation) All I had wanted to go do was go home, talk to her, and relax after a bullshit day at work. She had to go to sleep since she had class, so that was my goodnight call. Not really the best of situations, but I'll take what I can get and it'll be sweet.

I don't get home till 11:40ish. Called mom because I was stressed and needed someone to talk to, to help calm my nerves.

I still didn't fall asleep till about 3am. Stress sucks.

At least they found the guy who hit me, he confessed, and the repairs won't come out of my allready empty pockets.

Lots more bullshit has happened because of this, I'm out of a car, not working for a week or more. Probably will have to deal with a civil trial in the future as well as a criminal trial if this guy doesn't want to go to jail.

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Its not THE beginning, but it is A beginning [12 Aug 2005|11:27pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I don't know whats been up with me lately.

Stand up strong, feel no pain, when the Angels Sing

I've feel weird, incomplete, struggling to find something but not quite sure what

Who am I to question you when it falls down, Hear the angels sing

Maybe its just that I'm sick of hearing how strange this part of my life is, how much I need to change and how its magnified by the passing of my Father, my hero. I went and saw him the other day, not sure why, guidance maybe, a hope for strength to do what I have to.

Its cold on the streets when you're all alone. And the tears they start to fall when it all comes down. Hear the Angels sing

Or maybe I'm just sick of my job, the fact that it SHOULD be rewarding and seeing kids develop into mature young adults, when in reality, all I see are mini-thugs that are going down that long road to self destruction.

Theres got to be a heaven, because I've allready done my time in hell

I long for her embrace, her laughs that sound so much like the angels singing.

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A simple update [24 Jul 2005|10:38pm]
[ mood | content ]

I wonder how she feels about me. Is she haunted like I am with thoughts of her, day in and day out? Does she enjoy my company as much as I enjoy hers? I adore her a little more each day.

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Flickering dashboard lights [17 Jul 2005|06:11pm]
[ mood | full ]

I'm hungry for life.

I'm sick of going to the same shithole job and not doing anything. But then there are days like yesterday there. Was there at 9 as always on saturday and decided to shoot some basketball. Now for anybody whos actually seen me, I'm not a basketball player even in the slightest. But, when you don't have shit to work with you make due with shit. I must have made maybe 10% of my shots but it was good.

After that I sat down with Javi and bullshitted with him about whatever and he tossed me the Comic-con info letter he got in the mail. Robert Jordan did an interview and it was awesome. He basically said the Wheel of Time series would end in two more books after Knife of Dreams (comming out in Oct. bitches!)

Then Johanna came in and she had a black eye. Turns out her 20yr old brother had beat the shit out of her (shes 17 or 16, I don't remember) and I asked her how she defended herself and fought and whatnot. Turns out she fought just as horribly as the other ghetto kids flailing their arms around and swinging down rather than straight. I offered to teach her some basic stuff so she can keep him from giving her another shiner. I worked with her for about two hours. It felt good to do Karate again. I think I'm gonna see if I can start teaching it there or save up and start at another dojo.

Anyways inbetween that and now I've gone and eaten some mongolian BBQ. Awesome. So I forget what I was going to say but yeah. I really miss Tracy and wish I could see her in person again, for always. I adore that girl so much.

~Fallen

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...back to it?... [28 Jun 2005|12:25pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Well, so much shit has gone down since I last updated. Hell I don't even remember what had happened since I last updated. But lemme break it down for ya.

-Graduation... well I only walked really. I'll get the piece of paper come august I think. Untill then I have some bullshit writing class that is absolutely useless. Had to take it since they won't let me take the test since I'm one of those "Half a decade to graduate" cases... assholes.

-Tracy... She came to see me, and I have never been happier in my life. Even just sitting there, watching her play Star Ocean, or her watching me play Fable, was some of the most fun I've ever had. And falling asleep with her in my arms and waking up holding her tight... I'm still geeking out about it *sigh* ♥

-Dad's Internment... Yup, finally got to the whole military thing with the 21 gun salute, which is actually 7 guns 3 times ;D it was rough, I couldn't stop crying. It ripped open wounds that should have been left to heal and rubbed some rather sharp salt into them. It was a good thing that Tracy was there to help pull my mind off it and onto something beautiful, her.

-Music, Warped Tour is soon and I'm not gonna go, the line up sucks and I'd rather just go see Alkaline Trio at Soma and not have to deal with heat/sunburn/driving my ass out to Chula Vista.

-Work, sucks. Javi's getting fired, people are leaving, and the kids are getting worse and worse. I need to start looking for a fulltime job so I can afford to live comfortably.

Well, not like anybody is going to read this so I might as well just go to work.

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Yeah I keep writing this for some reason [19 May 2005|08:01pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

Chapter TwoCollapse )

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Dragging the Knife across my sins [17 May 2005|12:12pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Yesterday was a long day. I knew it was a long day when I saw the same cop three times on three seperate occasions. These kids have no clue what the hell is going on. They play at being thugs and that being a gangster is cool and the way to get ahead. They're all 15 or 16, they have no idea the bullshit they'll get themselves into the moment they turn 18. I can't believe Mac let Javier and Monica both have the day off yesterday, the place is a nonstop headache they need to have atleast one supervisor on site at all times. And I said so in the 3 different incident reports I did...


I'm sick of the bullshit, but at least I'm done with school for the most part.

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[08 May 2005|03:34pm]
You scored as Marv.

</td>

Marv

80%

Dwight

70%

Gail

60%

Hartigan

45%

Becky

45%

Lucielle

45%

Miho

40%

Manute

40%

Shelley

35%

Jackie Boy

35%

Nancy

30%

Kevin

20%

That Yellow Bastard

20%

Goldie

10%

What Sin City Character are You?
created with QuizFarm.com


Good shit
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[03 May 2005|10:41pm]
[ mood | amused ]

You know you've played too many video games when your driving and someone cuts you off and you call them a fucking n00b

EDIT for Tracy:

Heres what happened: Was driving to KFC because Honey BBQ flavored genetically superior chicken parts sounded tasty (but not when I type it like that huh -.-) and I was driving down Mission Gorge which is dark and quiet after dark and some jackass in a pick up turned left right into my lane and was going 20 mi/hr so I just yelled at him and called him a n00b

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